The Parent Trap Janet Murray on dealing with pushy mums and dads.. We've all met them; the mums who run around all week in people carriers, loading them with children and musical instruments as they zoom between orchestra rehearsals, choir practice and music lessons. The dads who pester you about instrumental lessons, despite the fact their children are barely out of nappies.The parents who reserve ninety percent of the tickets for every school concert so their family, friends and neighbours can coo over their talented offspring. Broadly speaking, pushy parents usually fall into two camps - the frustrated musician and the competitive parent.

The frustrated musician often volunteers to take recorder/piano/flute lessons alongside their child so they can ‘help' them progress. You can often spot them in the front row at the school production mouthing the words to the songs or fingering the accompaniment on their forearm. They often volunteer to ‘help out' with the school choir where they position themselves in the front row and sing at the top of their voices, leaving children are shaking in their gym shoes. Sometimes they turn up in the guise of the parent with musical hang-ups from the past, the ones who were told they were ‘tone deaf' and ‘just to mime' in their own school choir.

So certain are they that their own talent has been overlooked, they are determined their child will not miss out on the opportunity for musical success. Competitive parents are a different breed. Not only are they convinced their child is the next Russell Watson or Katherine Jenkins, they want to make sure every teacher, student and parent at the school knows it. These kind of parents love to compare; when the exam results are out, you'll find them gossiping in the playground trying to get the lowdown on who got what. And woe betide anyone whose child has done better than theirs!
The competitive parent will write you an angry letter, demanding to know why Harry wasn't picked to play the lead in the school production or Isabella wasn't asked to play a clarinet solo in the summer concert. They'll also insist you have a word with Fenella's violin teacher, as to why she hasn't been entered for Grade 5 this term.

All in all, they can be pretty exhausting. Fifteen years on, I'm still smarting from the words of a pushy mum when I was picked to play the lead part in the school musical. ‘You do know Clarissa was lined up for the part,' she smiled though gritted teeth. ‘She didn't audition because she was busy practising her diploma pieces. You did a great job though, especially as voice isn't your main instrument.' Ouch.
Nevertheless, as mum to a lively two-year-old, I fear I am already morphing into a terrifying cross-breed of the frustrated musician/competitive parent. I'm convinced my daughter's obsession with BBC's Scotland-based television programme Balamory means she's inherited my Celtic roots and love of traditional music. Her penchant for walking barefoot across the piano keyboard is a sure sign she's dying to get stuck into Bach or Mozart. And the fact she can blow a few notes on my recorder has to mean she's the Next Big Thing in the early music scene...

Of course we shouldn't really knock pushy parents. Without committed, enthusiastic parents, who are willing to run their children around to rehearsals, help out with school productions and turn up to concerts, school music would be a pitiful state of affairs. Having parents who are enthusiastic about music can also be hugely motivating. Growing up, I sorely wished my parents were a bit more ‘pushy' about my interest in music. The moment of epiphany came during one of the many concerts in draughty churches I played as a teenager. While everyone else's parents were discussing the delights of the programme over the cheese and wine, my parents were skulking in the adjoining graveyard having a crafty fag, saying ‘is it nearly over yet?'

The problem is, there can be a fine line between encouragement and putting children under pressure to achieve. As Andrew Thomas, who teaches at a London primary school puts it: ‘Exams can be useful, but they are only a snapshot of one performance on one particular day. As parents and teachers, what we should be trying to do is inspire children to practice because they want to play a piece of music they love or make music with a particular group of people.'
For teachers, the challenge is making parents feel involved in their children's music-making while giving students the space to explore music independently.

A quick straw poll of the parents I know looks promising. Most are happy with the involvement in their child's music education and feel they are encouraged to help with concerts, school productions and other extra-curricular activities. The biggest gripe is the varying quality of music teaching at primary level. It is increasingly common for schools to employ specialist teachers for music education – which is very popular with parents – but provision seems very ‘hit and miss' and highly dependent on whether the head teacher is a music lover.
Andrew Thomas puts on ‘parents and teachers' concerts at his school, giving frustrated parents a chance to showcase their talents. ‘It's amazing who crawls out of the woodwork,' he says. ‘One very shy mum turned out to be a talented pianist. Another group of parents performed in a recorder ensemble, another group formed a madrigal choir. One of the most memorable acts was a father who brought his own father along to play duets on the mandolin. They were fabulous!'

Not only is it inspiring for the children, but giving parents a chance to perform can prove helpful for dealing with competitive parents, says Thomas. ‘Having to make regular rehearsals, juggle their time or miss out on other activities to do rehearsals or concerts reminds them that, while music is fun, it does require hard work and commitment, which parents can sometimes forget.'

As part of its Extended Schools provision, the government has pledged that by 2010 all schools will be offering a range of activities outside of school hours for children and their families. As well as offering ‘wraparound' childcare from 8am to 6pm through breakfast and after-school clubs, it is also hoped school facilities can be used for adult and community learning. The cost of music tuition can be prohibitive to parents who would like to learn an instrument or pick up where they left off their music studies as a child. Not to mention fitting them in around family life. I'd love to see affordable group lessons or music ensembles for adults included in the Extended Schools provision, especially if parents could attend while their child was at another activity, musical or otherwise. Undoubtedly, this would be a great outlet for parents of the ‘frustrated musician' variety.
Finding a ‘cure' for overly competitive parents is more complicated, as their ambitions for their children aren't always informed by their own passion for music. They don't want their child to be the best at music – they just want them to be the best at everything! As a result, it can be a bitter pill to swallow if their child isn't blessed with oodles of musical talent.

But however pushy the parent, music teachers seem in firm agreement that – even in the seemingly most hopeless cases – you should never tell a child they can't sing or that they lack musical ability.
‘We all develop at different rates,' says Liz Walker, a classroom music teacher who also teaches singing. ‘My musicality didn't really flourish until my early teens. Before that my parents say I was always sang off-key, so you can never tell how it will go. If they'd told me that at the time, I'd have been crushed. I doubt I'd have had the confidence to go for a career in music. Ability aside, if a child loves music, you should always encourage them; music making doesn't have about passing exams or winning competitions or festivals. Primarily it should be about having fun.'